


A Brother's Observations

by yarnandtea



Category: Dragon Age
Genre: Drabble, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-10-17
Updated: 2012-10-17
Packaged: 2017-11-16 12:17:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 2,427
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/539328
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/yarnandtea/pseuds/yarnandtea
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Just a series of journal entries by Sebastian chronicling his thoughts on Hawke's companions.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The Unshackled Slave

**Author's Note:**

> I know these are a little silly and random. Mostly this was just me practicing writing short one-shots, as well as trying to get into Sebastian's head a little. These are not, for the record, necessarily how I see these characters but rather how I think Sebastian (or at least this version of him) does.

I think I may be getting through to him.

Today we accompanied Hawke on yet another outing to the Wounded Coast. The Maker blessed us with a clear day, thankfully, though it was somewhat spoiled by the score of Tal-Vashoth we fought.

Maker, forgive me. Every Qunari I slay is a black mark against my soul, even though I kill only in defense of myself and others. No matter their heretical nature, I cannot believe that killing them serves any true purpose. I wish I could turn Hawke down when he asks me to join him on these sojourns. But if I ever intend to claim my throne, I will need every bit of coin I can earn.

Bah, I have strayed from my original thoughts.

Fenris.

Today we spoke a great deal as we walked the coast. He still refuses to admit that it was the Maker who allowed him to find freedom, but I believe he is thinking on it. He searches for some purpose to fill his life now that he has no one to tell him what he must do every waking hour of the day. I have hopes that he may yet find comfort in the teachings of the Chantry.

At the very least, he does not disdain my faith like so many of the others.

I have decided something else about Fenris as well. Watching him in battle today, it struck me just how skilled a warrior he truly is. Such a man at my side, already a loyal friend, would be a great boon when I return to Starkhaven. I am going to ask him to go with me when I take my leave of Kirkwall. With him in my guard I would have no need to fear for my safety ever again.

I must think carefully on how to ask him. As much as he protests that he is now free, he is still heavily burdened by his time as a slave. I do not know that he will ever truly believe he is free in his own heart. It is a sorrowful thing.

Perhaps I can find a way to make it seem to be his idea to accompany me to Starkhaven?

This will require much reflection and prayer. Always prayer.


	2. The Pirate

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Just a series of journal entries by Sebastian chronicling his thoughts on Hawke's companions.

Why did I ever tell her of my wastrel days? Maker, but that woman will be the death of me. She seems to have taken it upon herself to become my own personal desire demon. Every encounter with her is an exercise in resisting temptation.

Today she took me aside and told me, in great length, about how she... _pleasured_ herself while thinking of me last night. She leaned in close, pressing as much of her body against mine as she could manage, and whispered the details in my ear. As if her voice is not seduction enough under normal circumstances. I extricated myself as quickly as I could without drawing the attention of the others, of course. But by then the damage had already been done.

Oh that I could but touch her in the ways she described...

No.

I must not even _think_ such things. She knows this. She _must_ be a demon. Why else go so out of her way to fill my mind with such impure thoughts and wants.

No.

Not wants.

I do NOT crave Isabela.

Blessed Andraste, forgive me. I should not lie, even to myself. I cannot begin to find redemption until I admit my sins. It is past time I got myself to confession again.

Should I confess that I enjoy knowing at least in her mind there is a part of that old me that lives on? Is that a sin as well?

The confessor will only tell me what I know--that I must distance myself from her and from her tempestuous ways. Can she truly be my friend when she insists on tormenting me so?

But she is one of the Maker's creations as well, is she not? She deserves a chance to be brought into Andraste's grace. Who else will try, if not me?

Is _that_ really what I think I'm doing with her? You would think I'd know better.

Maker.

I need to pray.


	3. The Storyteller

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Just a series of journal entries by Sebastian chronicling his thoughts on Hawke's companions.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There's been some talk lately of how Varric doesn't really seem to care for Sebastian. I hadn't really thought about it, but I realized I sort of agreed at least that Seb makes him uncomfortable. I guess this is kind of how I think Sebastian would react/think on the situation.

Choir Boy, he calls me. As if that is all I am. Should I be insulted, I wonder? Or should I take it as sign of acceptance that he has given me a nickname like all of the others?

I think he means it to be an insult.

It hardly compares to anything my brothers called me, though. Or my father, before...

Well.

I tried to find common ground with him. I complimented his crossbow. Bianca, he calls it. The dwarf even has a name for his crossbow. The compliment did no good. It only made him close up even more. He hid it away from my sight like a jealous lover who is afraid another man means to steal his love.

There is a story there that I would dearly like to know.

Not that he will ever tell me. At least I know in this instance that the slight is not personal He's not telling anyone about Bianca.

For a man who takes such obvious delight in telling the stories of others, he does an amazing job of avoiding telling any of his own. I'm of half a mind to make up my own story about _him_. I wonder what he'd say to that.

Probably laugh himself insensible.

Perhaps Isabela might be interested in giving it a go...

No, no. Sebastian, such petty thoughts are beneath you.

I cannot please everyone after all. It would be prideful of me to try.

Besides, I know exactly what kind of story Isabela would come up with. It would be irresponsible of me to encourage such filth to be created.

I bet the story would be entertaining though. I would love to see Varric's face when he reads it for the first time.

...

Right.

Prayer it is.


	4. The Deceptive Elf

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Just a series of journal entries by Sebastian chronicling his thoughts on Hawke's companions.

Sometimes I think she's laughing at all of us when we aren't looking. I _know_ she understands more of Isabela's innuendo than she pretends to.

Certainly there are things about living in the city that are new to her, and there are ways of the humans and the city elves that she doesn't understand. Enough that I believe her propensity for getting lost or being easily surprised are not acts.

In battle though, she is a force to be reckoned with. And bring up her use of blood magic, and her defense of the choice to use it is...eerily logical. Not that I condone it in any way, but I can easily see how she reached the conclusion she did.

I have spoken with Marethari on my few visits to the Dalish camp. She is not a woman to let her chosen successor go untrained and uneducated. So if Merrill was to be the clan's next Keeper, then that flustered naive front is just that. A front.

I used to do that, before I was sent here. It is a remarkably effective form of armor against those who believe they are too good to prey upon the weak. It is also useful to lull others into a false sense of comfort and safety when in your company.

But I have seen enough to know better. I should report her to Meredith. I know that is what the law demands. Merrill's transgressions may have been acceptable within the Dalish, but she chose to live in the city. She should be held accountable to its laws. It would be the right thing to do.

Then why does it feel like it would be so wrong? That doing so would be a betrayal of Hawke? Of Isabela? Even Fenris refuses to turn her in, and he has more reason than most to want to see her safely in the Gallows.

Am I hesitating to do what I know I should because I am still too selfish to give up the few precious friendships I have made here?

I hope Hawke knows what he's doing, keeping her so close. I pray he has seen through the facade as well, and that is why he does so. Perhaps she has truly given him reason to trust her and I am just not privy to it?

I will pray, yes. And I will guard Hawke's back vigilantly lest she prove him wrong.


	5. The Guard Captain

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Just a series of journal entries by Sebastian chronicling his thoughts on Hawke's companions.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh my goodness. I am not sure how this one happened. It was meant to be about his respect for Aveline's warrior abilities and her upstanding moral fiber and whatnot. Then it got...well. I can't really say that I'm sorry.

I am quite glad that Hawke has at least a few friends of upstanding character. Aveline knows him well enough to keep him from straying too far (most of the time) out of line without making him feel as if she is trying to control him. It is absolutely fascinating to watch.

I wonder, if there had been a guard like her at the palace when I was younger, would I have gone so far off of the Maker's path? Or would I have merely devoted all of my energy into getting away with as much as possible right under her nose?

Hmph. More likely I would have put my efforts toward seducing her. Nothing like having one of the palace guards in your thrall when you want to sneak out into the city against orders.

I wonder if I would have succeeded?

What would that have been like? Is she as firm in the bedroom as she is with her guards? Or does she prefer to let her partner take the lead? To relinquish control for a time?

Maker! Don't think of bedding Aveline! She is a married woman! She would throttle me if she ever even suspected I was imagining such things.

Not to mention that I shouldn't be having thoughts of bedding _anyone_. Clearly, I still have a long path ahead of me if I seek to find redemption. I never expected that it would be thoughts of Aveline reminding me of that fact.

Although I could certainly see her doing so in person. Sometimes I catch her frowning at me and it's as if she's disappointed. She thinks I should have already retaken Starkhaven. As if it were that simple.

Perhaps for her, it would be. She is a remarkable woman.

Maybe she would like to lead my army?

After all, I will need a good general. 


	6. The Little Brother

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Just a series of journal entries by Sebastian chronicling his thoughts on Hawke's companions.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think Sebastian, when he has the occasion to meet the slightly more mature Carver, has a few reasons to be jealous of the younger man.

I must confess, it boggles my mind that _any_ member of Hawke's family, let alone his little brother, would have joined the Templars. With their family history of magic, and of, well, apostates, it just seems like a strange career choice. Maker's breath, his _twin_ sister was a mage.

Fenris says that Carver has his reasons for making the decision. From what I can gather it seems to be largely a rivalry with Hawke coupled with a desire to prove himself a capable protector.

I suppose I can understand that, although I cannot imagine ever having done something similar in order to protect my own brothers. Maybe that means he is a better little brother than I. Maybe that just means my brothers were gits. For all of his bristling, it was clear to me that he looks up to Hawke a great deal.

He certainly didn't join because he has any desire to serve the Maker or the Chantry. He was quite obvious that he doesn't think much of me, and I wish I could convince myself it was just a clash of personalities and not my ties to the Chantry. I tried to hold my tongue when he and Isabela were "reciting" the Chant, but it was difficult. I know my reaction only encouraged them more, but goodness, at least I managed to hide my amusement.

I would have never lived it down if they had realized the memories that brought to mind of the days before I took my vows. That I myself had done much the very same thing in my foolish youth. I have already sought forgiveness for that sin, of course, but for just an instant I felt a longing to join in. To feel the camaraderie. The two of them seemed so easy with one another.

Perhaps I must admit that I was jealous of how easy. Isabela, I think, expected for Carver to be easy prey to her teasing, and he proved to be anything but. Of course this did not daunt her, she seemed rather pleased at the surprise.

At least it was a nice change of pace watching her try to make someone else blush for once.


	7. The Crusading Apostate

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Just a series of journal entries by Sebastian chronicling his thoughts on Hawke's companions.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think that for (this version of) Sebastian, Anders even being in Kirkwall presents all kinds of internal struggle. I also kind of think Sebastian finds himself liking the other man despite himself. That, coupled with his respect for Hawke, causes him to doubt his own judgement in the matter. I guess that's my headcanon for just why he could never bring himself to try turning Anders in. We get a little of it in game, I know, but (as with most things involving Sebastian) wasn't really gone into in any depth.

Anders frightens me. I can admit that here in these pages if nowhere else.

He swears he is not an abomination.

Hawke swears it.

Isabela swears it.

Even Merrill swears it.

But whatever he is, it is not natural. The Maker did not mean for man and spirit to be one, else he would not have placed the spirits in the Fade in the first place.

Even Anders admits that he has corrupted the spirit and the spirit has corrupted him.

I do not trust him.

I cannot trust him.

I think what frightens me most of all is that the people I care about _do_ trust him. Or at least believe he is safe to be around, to let him run loose in the city. At least Hawke and the others acknowledge that Merrill is dangerous. If only that was the case with Anders as well.

I will not deny he is charming. Nor that some of his arguments are...compelling. The Chantry is not perfect, and its treatment of mages has not always been just. It is something that is hard to ignore in Kirkwall, I'll admit. His work at the clinic is certainly admirable as well. I can admire that, at least. It has certainly garnered him plenty of goodwill throughout the city.

Perhaps that is why Meredith and Elthina allow his continued freedom. They could not afford him to seed his ideas in the Gallows. Too many of the mages would easily fall to his arguments. I do not wish the Rite of Tranquility on anyone, not even him, and it would be their only way to stop his crusade, short of killing him out of hand.

Hawke would never stand for either, though, and they know it. He has enough clout now that he could make them regret the act. Perhaps they are relying on him to keep Anders in line.

Well then, I suppose it is up to me to help see that Hawke is able to do so.

Maker give me strength.


End file.
